It all started when I was born. I loved, loved, loved “boy clothes”. As soon as I could talk, I wanted to be a boy and wear boy clothes. I hated wearing dresses or anything girly. If I was going formal, I was going formal in style - meaning I was wearing a suit.
My mom was awesome on the first day of kindergarten, she let me wear bright yellow pants with a blue top! I felt like a king. My dad thought the other kids would laugh at me, but he was wrong. My mom didn't care; she thought I was gay, which was not completely wrong because I am pan which means I like people for their personality.
One day when I was 5, I had a babysitter and she was a photographer; she took pictures of us and it took 3 hours until she “convinced” me to wear a dress. It was terrible. I felt like something was choking my throat. It felt like I could not breathe, like I was in the wrong body. Which I am. I told my mom that my babysitter said my parents would be happy if I wore a dress. My mom said, ¨I don't care what you wear. You don't have to wear anything you don't want to.¨ I said "the babysitter made me wear those clothes". My mom said she understood, and that was not ok and that it should not have happened.
Back when I was little, every couple of years, and only for a few hours, I would try to wear more girl-like clothing. I called it "girl mode". I thought I was being me, but I was not. Once in 3rd grade, I walked into the girl's bathroom and we had a sub. The sub said in a mean voice, ¨Hey! Youŕe using the wrong bathroom.¨ I was not in the wrong bathroom. Back then, I still went by the name I was given at birth and I still used feminine pronouns. But, after that, I never used the bathroom ever again at school. I still don´t. I only go at my house or a restaurant. In general, the bathrooms are hard when you are transgender. Imagine always being worried that someone was going to tell you you are in the wrong bathroom. How would you feel?
The day I came out as transgender to my class, I was in 5th grade and I was so happy that day. I was also so very terrified. My mom told me to come outside with her for a moment, while Ms. Young was telling the class that I had something to share.
So when I walked out into the classroom, I saw all the support and love and kindness surrounding me. It was amazing. And Ms. Young said, ¨Are you ready?¨ I said yes. I walked to the front of the class, and all the people were following me like….my parents, my sister, my best friend Ella and my other best friend Gabi, their parents, and so many more. It felt like I was so important that people wanted to hear my voice.
I walked to the front of the room and said hi. My mom said he is transgender and going to explain. I shared about my new name, new pronouns, what transitioning would like for me, and my feelings. I explained that I would use puberty blockers and hormones to help my body develop in a way that matches my brain. And, I explained that it has felt like I have kept a lot bottled up, but that it was time to break the bottle and really be free. I also encouraged any of my friends who might feel like they are holding back parts of themselves to be brave and not to let anyone tell them not to be who they are. We should feel free to be free.
Now, if people didn´t know me before 5th grade, they don't know I am transgender. I am just a regular boy. And that is the story of
Spencer´s transgender journey.
Story by Spencer K.